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<one way to die for an entire night is:>

she wants to be loved by someone beautiful.

<to open your window and breathe in the sweet evening smells, to climb a>

she has dreamt up names and a face; a smile and laughter and sparkling green eyes. she has watched, through a haze of fairy dust, mornings at coffee bean together, sitting opposite him cupping mugs in their hands and not saying anything

because in the mornings at seven, lost in each other’s company with the synchrony of their movements playing a harmony and the drone of grey-suited office workers as a background accompaniment, what would you like are the only words they need to share.

because when he loves her that much, the fragile things that her English teacher calls language don’t need to break and  s h a t t e r  on the floor or on his back when he leaves in the morning without saying goodbye. because words, she thinks, are unnecessary; when they are in love it will be replaced by touches, and smiles, and brief caresses, and perfection.

one day, she thinks as she sits by the lake stripping flowers of their petals, one day this will happen. her legs are in the water, flowing back and forth and back and forth with the easy rhythmic motion of the current, swirling bits of sky around her toes. her calves plunge into clouds, and if she reaches she can touch the sky and lift it up in her hands, watch it streaming in silver ribbons down her fingers.

but she won’t do that yet. first she will find this boy, she will ask him to come with her to the lake, and they will sit beside each other and stroke the sky with gentle fingers, hold hands as they swim through lonely airplanes and the occasional flock of geese. the cold will bite them, but she will be too busy diving into the sky again and again and again to care.

for now she is going to wait, to sit in the autumn chill watching crimson leaves shiver down from ragged trees. for now she is going to stay here by the lake, as pretty as poetry, and wait for her boy to walk past.


<tree when the moon rises, and stare into a blanket of faraway lights>

on Tuesday afternoons she sits curled in her windowsill and dedicates poems to his hair, his eyes, his breath. she writes a paragraph for the taste of him on her tongue: not sugar and not bitter, not sour and not saltyliketears.

(on Wednesday evenings she wonders what beauty would taste like crystallised on her lips.)

and in Literature she writes a story about a boy and a girl who are like angels, who fall

in love
and out of love,
and then into a deeper kind of understanding
that cannot be taken away
by hitting the ground

and her teacher tells her that it was an essay on King Lear and not Romeo and Juliet, part 2. she stares at the wall while Mr Turner drones on about the importance of understanding and being understood, and she thinks that when she finds this beautiful boy being understood will be so natural to them that they won’t even have to format everything they say into

strict little
rigid lines

within clever introductions, neat body paragraphs, and apt conclusions. when Mr Turner is finished she walks away and leaves the door open behind her, smiles at her friend Nick who is waiting outside the office with his haversack slung over his shoulder and his careful careful grin. Nick takes her books and slides them into the crook of his arm, walks next to her and asks how it went with Mr Turner.

she takes the books back from him, smiling laughing because he's been her friend since forever and she doesn’t want to hurt him. but she sees his eyes flicker and his grin slips. she frowns and rakes her teeth over dry lips, because out of all the boys she’s met he is the best and she doesn’t want to hurt him; he takes walks with her along the beach and doesn’t ask his mates along, he listens to her and comes over to dinner and helps her with calculus

and even more he isn't a boyfriend, he doesn't feel her up behind the beach palm trees or in the middle of school hallways or at parties. he isn't a boyfriend and so she doesn't need to break up with him.

(because when her boyfriends touch her they are surrounded by the crashing of the waves and the moans of the gulls, and even if she closes her eyes and ignores the sound of their breath hissing out through hungry teeth, she can't pretend that what they do is soft yellowcandlelit and romantic.

because when she realises that their touch is selfish and rough and fevered, she can't stay with them anymore.)

he asks the question again. she brushes his hand and says, ‘he doesn’t understand me,’ and maybe she means you don’t understand me too.


<for six hours, until the sun peeks across the horizon at>

lately she’s been searching through alleyways and little side streets for this beautiful boy. on Sunday mornings she fills her Guess bag with lipstick and eyeshadow, then sits on the subway painting her face red and green, gives her eyelashes wings. wandering through the churning city she peers into dark little corners, stares through the windows of dingy pubs squatting on road corners. the men inside watch her with hollow eyes and bristled smiles. she swallows and walks away quickly.

by evening she’s sitting at the bus stop waiting for her boy to walk past, watching the sun set and leaning her back against the shelter. the fading light makes her hair glow and her glossy lips sparkle; the boys who walk past talk louder and stare, but after she glances at them she looks away because none of them have the poet’s eyes, the lover’s hands and the dreamer’s smile she is looking for.

she’s made mistakes before,
woken up to an empty bed
rumpled with last night’s creases
after falling for the wrong boy with dark-lashed brooding eyes.
she’s cried by the lake
for the boys who don’t want to be boyfriends,
for the lovers who forget to love --

the boys who stay are another matter; they kiss her and they say they adore her, but when she stands there and lets them hold her hand, lets them pull her to dinner with their parents, she looks at them and can’t feel anything, can’t find the magic and the high and the instant pinkcherryblossom rush of connection.

but now that she knows what she lacks, she’s going to find it somehow. that’s why she keeps on looking every Sunday, that’s why she sits at bus shelters scribbling lines (I love you like the flower loves the bird, because I cannot survive without you and our kisses taste like nectar─) on the backs of receipts and the palms of her hands. when she gets home she fills notebooks with her bus-stop musings, and when she sleeps she dreams of the poems that he will write with his lips and his tongue and his gentle hands.

on Monday she gets up and realises that she is getting by in everything that she does: history literature calculus life. on Monday she realises that she only really lives in her notebooks, in the black scrawls that scratch across the page and scream brilliant rainbow colours into her mind. on Monday she thinks, I’m going to change this, I’m going to make this real.

on Monday,
she thinks, I’m going to find this boy and I’m going to make him fall in love with me.


<five am in the morning on another grey day.>

she wants to be loved by someone beautiful because then her life will be a life and not an endless wishing. she wants to be loved by someone beautiful

because then her life will be beautiful too.
this is for the dreamers
who wish for lovers,
and the lovers who long for dreams.


comments welcome <3


edit: thank you :iconshootingstar2428:, :iconalmostlovers:, :iconpaperheartsyndrome: and :iconmalinda-rose: for the features :heart: you guys are amazing!
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:iconsymphonic-coda:
symphonic-coda Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2011  Student Digital Artist
This is so perfect.
I love it.

Excuse me while I go fave half of your gallery because... wow.
:heart:
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:iconwriting-to-write:
writing-to-write Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I think you've had this up for like a year and ever since I first saw it I can't help but got back and want to reread it cause I quote it in my Facebook and Myspace and ect statuses all the time. It is my favorite piece I have ever seen you are an amazing writer and I just spent the last hour going through everything trying to find this so I could thank you for this. It's something that honestly inspires me and makes me think and is one of the few things that actually makes me feel something when I read it. It never gets old. Every time I read it I realize sometime new. it's a timeless piece that really is truly amazing.

The way you described things and the way you write is so original and so refreshing. You paint pictures in my mind that stay in my thoughts for a long time. Your are spectacular and literally I'm at a struggle for words, but I wanted to thank you and tell you how much i love this piece. Its is truly something I could never forget.
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:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2010
gahh!
you have no idea how much that comment made me smile! a facebook reference? goshhh. :blush:
thank you so much for writing this comment, lovely. :heart:x2 it means a lot to me.
Reply
:iconwriting-to-write:
writing-to-write Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Yea well your writing is amazing. You have a gift that like truly comes around every few years, you are quiet a writer and I really wish I had that talent. And your very welcome, I just thought I'd would tell you how much this piece inspired me and how much i can't stop thinking about it. And yet I seem to fail at saying exactly what I mean, but It just is so incredible that it leaves me speechless and in search for words. <3
Reply
:iconxmorethanmeetstheeye:
xMoreThanMeetsTheEye Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2010  Student Writer
This is absolutely incredible.
Beautiful, beautiful work.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2010
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2010
i really can't begin to explain how much i love this,
and how much it means to me. i have a best guy friend who kind of
says this about me, living in my poems. he calls me a paper girl.

just :heart::heart::heart:
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2010
that comment is lovelovelove.
thank you so very much.
:heart:
Reply
:iconqueenofrelax:
queenofrelax Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2010
my pleasure, believe me♥
Reply
:icon1walkingblind:
1Walkingblind Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2010
Wow this is really good, I believe that everyone can relate to this and has taken something away from it. Great job, I love the steady poetic vibe all through this piece, you kept it up very well.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
Thank you so much!
I'm really glad you think so :heart:
Reply
:icon1walkingblind:
1Walkingblind Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2010
my pleasure! :)
Reply
:iconmissbessanyrose:
MissBessanyRose Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010
Oh my gosh. I love this.. It is more than amazing (:
I am a bit of both: a dreamer who has a lover.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010
aw, thank you so much <345
Reply
:iconbright-eyes-only:
bright-eyes-only Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010
Stunning, I love your poetry- Don't ever stop writing!
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2010
thank you! <3
Reply
:iconkaz-d:
Kaz-D Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
This is beautiful :)

I really like how you write...it reminds me of some of my writings. The fact that we both write about the love and even to the love that we've not yet found is quite nice I think.

"because in the mornings at seven, lost in each otherís company with the synchrony of their movements playing a harmony and the drone of grey-suited office workers as a background accompaniment, 'what would you like' are the only words they need to share."

That idea is just gorgeous! I love the fact that couples don't need to exchange words, and don't need to be upset that one didn't say goodbye. You've completely illustrated, with the written word, the kind of relationship I have and the feelings I feel. You've written something that people everywhere can relate to and understand. You've written Love, I think :)

Fantastic work!
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:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2010
Wow, thank you incredibly much! That's exactly what I was going for -- when two people are so close that their expressions and their actions are all they need to communicate their feelings. :heart: I'm so happy that you can relate. :)
Reply
:iconlove-hate-equinox:
Love-Hate-Equinox Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
I am one of those dreams. and i love this so entirely, with my soul, heart, and mind and I understand it so well. And i twine about with these words helpless, knowing I am waiting and searching. So thankyou thankyou thankyou : for being so wonderful and for giving these words to the world (more selfishly put: me).
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2010
oh. wow. gosh, thanks so much.
i'm quite speechless. <3
(there's no need to thank me...i'm just so so glad that you can relate to it!)
Reply
:iconskybluetattoo:
SkyBlueTattoo Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2010
Uhm... uh... wow. I'm completely speechless. I can't even begin to think of how to say how much I'm in love with this. My heart melted as I read this. Your writing is so, so... ah, just so amazing. I could go on and tell you every little thing you did that showed how amazingly talented and skilled you are, but I don't think this comment would ever end. Everything about this is simply brilliant. And I'm so sorry I can't come up with a coherent comment to convey how good this is. I'm just too stunned.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010
now i'm stunned that you think so! <3
thank you so, so very much.
Reply
:iconskybluetattoo:
SkyBlueTattoo Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010
You're very welcome. =)
Reply
:iconpurpledresses:
purpledresses Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2010
this feels endearing, if it doesn't sound too weird to use that to describe a piece.

it makes me want to find that boy too.
it makes me want to hope that she will find him, too.

it made me love this.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010
thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconpurpledresses:
purpledresses Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010
<33
Reply
:iconstoryofmylife054:
storyofmylife054 Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2010
have I mentioned lately how much I adore the way that you write? this is amazing! (:
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2010
thank you so much! (:
Reply
:iconstoryofmylife054:
storyofmylife054 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2010
you're welcome :hug:
Reply
:iconthornsandpaper:
thornsandpaper Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
i have no words to describe this.
really. i always feel this way, as if the reason why i'm still living is in hope of someone beautiful to love me.
and its amazing because you wrote everything in one, beautifulbeautiful prose.

thankyou:heart:
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2010
nono, thank you.
:heart:x234
Reply
:iconchai09:
Chai09 Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2010  Student
this is amazing. really inspiring!! <3
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2010
thank you! i'm so, so glad you think so <3
Reply
:iconchai09:
Chai09 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2010  Student
:)
Reply
:iconearthrevolt:
EarthRevolt Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2010
I love everything that you write... But this is well and truly amazing.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2010
wow, thank you so much. :heart:
Reply
:iconmulticolored:
multicolored Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010  Student Digital Artist
This was quite beautiful, quite dreamy. I like how each of the <phrases> started off with a number... one, to, tree, for, five; I love finding little messages P:
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
haha, you're one of the three people who've pointed it out! (: i spent quite a while on those, so i'm so very glad that you liked them. <3
Reply
:iconmulticolored:
multicolored Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010  Student Digital Artist
Indeed I can tell! :D hehe, three is a good number, I feel special :heart:
Reply
:iconsolaces:
Solaces Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
You still stun me.:heart:
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:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconmarmonica:
Marmonica Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
Your writing is so powerful and moving. Makes me want to fall in love all over again.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
:heart:
thank you!
Reply
:iconquenwrites:
QuenWrites Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I love this. I love the way you sum up how I feel and I love the way you've got the two-things-in-one kinda thing and I love the way you've done then numbers and it's just great.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
aw, thanks! <3456
Reply
:iconquenwrites:
QuenWrites Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
No problem :)
Reply
:iconbunnyheadwounds:
BunnyHeadWounds Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
"swirling bits of sky around her toes"

Goddamn. I have no words for how fucking good this is.
Much, much, much love and respect for this piece.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
i'm so glad you think so :heart:
thank you very much.
Reply
:iconunimpossible:
UnImpossible Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
this is amazing. (:
you really have a way with words that just makes it beautiful.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2010
wow, thanks very much <3
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