when she cries her tears are edged with mascara and knowledge.
she's hiding under the layers and layers of makeup he slathered onto her. for the sake of making her beautiful. she's so used to the same product, but she knows she needs a new makeup remover. one that will work, wipe and clear her mind. because she doesn't need this -- but she wants it.
she's digging through the chaos of her mind, struggling to find a piece of clarity. but all she can find is despair and nights on the couch with ice cream in her lap and a phone to her ear. i thought he was the one for me, but i was wrong. again. it hurts, and sometimes when the clarity strikes her across the cheeks she realises she can't do it anymore. she can't take this anymore.
she murmurs to herself like she's suffering from a mental illness. 'he was this to me. he was that to me. but she's never asked herself what she really wanted. all she's been taught to do, time after time, was to keep his smiles under her pillows, hoping the smile fairy might grant her one wish for all her trades. as for the frowns, she stored those on her face.
but this friday night is different, she tells herself; she's listening to someone else wailing about their ex on the radio. she's smiling and her lips don't hurt, she's happy for once. then her phone lights up and she finds a text from her boyfriend. he says, this isn't working for me anymore. i'm sorry. half an hour later her best friend texts too and she says, jason was kissing alice down by the toilets. i'm sorry. she kicks the radio off the bed until it clicks itself into silence.
i'm sick of this. i'm sick of the same boys, the same feelings, the same disappointment. there must be something wrong with her then. how could she not find something as simple as love? it wasn't supposed to be complex. wasn't it just like Romeo and Juliet? sure, they both died at the end. but they were in love. they were in love.
five hours later, a bird warbles outside her window as she throws clothes into her backpack. her ipod hums love story into her ears, and she lets the tears slide down her face until she sees only grey. she folds against the wall, shaking, wondering what it will cost her to find a modern-day Romeo. but she already knows. she already knows that if she finds him, he will leave her for a prettier girl with tragedy in her eyes and beauty in her bones. she already knows, and today is the day she's going to make things change.
she beats it into herself, cramming the crevices and veins in her soul, that she will either find a way out of this vicious cycle of false love and heartbreak or she'll become one of those beautiful girls who will actually touch the surface of love. she had spent so long, put in so much energy to protect him and her. and every single time, he would leave her. carrying her belongings and weighed down heart, she took a while to lug herself out and start a new story. this love story was not hers, will never be. but she's been through this before, she curses to the skies and wonders why she can't stop crying, why can't she stop feeling, why can't things stop screwing up. one thought echoes inside, 'when will someone fall in love with me? when will i get my happily ever after?'"
and so she leaves.
backpack slung over her shoulder, she slams the door behind her. today is autumn but still somehow beautiful, even though things are falling apart. the sun is gold in the sky. she keeps on walking and she can almost convince herself that if she moves, if she just keeps on moving, she will be okay, she will be walking towards her own happily ever after. if she just keeps on running away from her tattered life, she will be safe from pain. maybe, fifteen miles from her old life and travelling down the interstate to nowhere, she will finally be able to escape heartbreak.
even if it breaks her heart.