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this is not life.

trains, mechanical voices,
the questions my friends ask. this is not life.
every song reminds me of you,
sour honey sliding down my throat.
this is not life.

two weeks ago i was flying:
on your shoulders, unstoppable, screaming with
you down into the hallways of the future.
we didn't just seize the day --
we went for the jugular and strangled the world.

saturday sitting on the jetty
you told me one day we would be flying among the stars.
i leaned against you and stared up at the blackness.
i believed you.

on monday the story changed.
you assured me that i was just a way for you to repent,
to apologise for every bad thing you'd done.
your eyes had some strange fury, like a man
who has glimpsed the face of God and found himself wanting.
you would not look up from the toes of your shoes.

(and i thought everything had been going so good.)
today is friday and still everything is the same:
the train i sit on leads nowhere. i am afraid
and the chill is creeping up my bones.
and all i have are the words: it shouldn't have been this way.
i should hate you for doing this to me, but i can't
because i'm lost in a flood of writhing thoughts.
you led me into this trap and then you vanished into thin air.


this is not life.

this didn't really happen,
but would it have meant something even if it had?

edit: changed the parts that i felt didn't really fit. feedback would be appreciated (:



comments welcome :heart:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconnewfie-princess:
Newfie-Princess Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
very good :)
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2010
thank youu :heart:
Reply
:iconloverz116:
loverz116 Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2010
wow, i love how you took something so common
and turned it into a lovely mess. :]
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010
i'm glad you think so :)
thanks!
Reply
:iconloverz116:
loverz116 Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2010
you welcome :]
Reply
:iconpurpledresses:
purpledresses Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2010
"flying among the stars."

this phrase means a lot to me. especially when stars are involved.

overall, i like how this progresses, and love the repetition and this.

(:
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010
aw, thanks (:
Reply
:iconpurpledresses:
purpledresses Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2010
<3
Reply
:icongemmaz:
GemmaZ Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
woweee, i love this.. something about it; it's great :]
and looovee the font; how'd you do it on here? o_0
haha, but this is great work.. nicee :] :rose:
Reply
:iconanemone-the-bored:
Anemone-The-Bored Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009
There is no way to put into words how solid this feels. I can see it so well. If it weren't for the author's note, I could swear this was real.

For some reason this just grips me--it makes me want to hear more. It feels honest, but at the same time, beautiful. I love this. :)
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2009
wow.
thank you so much! :heart:
your comment means so much to me, because i've always wanted to construct an idea that could 'grip' people :hug: i'm so pleased that you think so <3
Reply
:iconanemone-the-bored:
Anemone-The-Bored Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2009
You're welcome. :hug:

Well you definitely gripped me with this one. All your writing has this effect, but especially this. I love it. :heart:
Reply
:iconxcaroline:
xcaroline Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009
beauuutiful. :heart:
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2009
thank you so much! <3
Reply
:iconplatinummyr:
platinummyr Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Heck yes it would :hug: :( :heart:

It would mean the world. (And nothing)
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2009
Thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconchehiro7:
Chehiro7 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
Amazing, as always.
Is everything okay?
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
thank you :heart:
yeah, things are going to be okay. (:
Reply
:iconchehiro7:
Chehiro7 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
Note me if you need anything at all.
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009
Heart breakingly beautiful, you have such a way of transforming all of your words into these beautiful paintings that completely consume my eyes. I absolutely adore how your hammer such strong emotion into your lines, it is as if they are themselves alive.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
wow.
i'm not sure what to say.
a compliment like this from a writer like you (and i'm a great fan of your brilliant imagery) is so startling for me. :heart:
thank you so very much.
Reply
:iconerukalice:
erukalice Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009
"every song reminds me of you".
That's the line that really had me thinking this was based on real events until I read the author's comment. Being a music centered person, anything going on in my life finds some sort of connection to what I listen to. xD

Anyways. This is a beautiful piece... rather sad. It definitely portrays the feeling of losing someone important, and feeling... lost? Alone? Great work <3
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
thank you :heart:
i'm so glad you thought that, because those feelings were what i was going for (:
Reply
:iconafrosnowman:
Afrosnowman Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
its kinda bittersweet i like that about it!:)
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
thank you :)
Reply
:iconafrosnowman:
Afrosnowman Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
your welcome!
Reply
:iconverticalness:
verticalness Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
i totally thought this was a from-life thing, that's how believable it was.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
oh wow! thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconverticalness:
verticalness Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
my pleasure~
Reply
:iconnoirwolf:
NoirWolf Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
It would have meant everything

Amazing work :heart:
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
ohh, thank you so much

:heart:
Reply
:iconnoirwolf:
NoirWolf Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
Welcome :D :heart:
Reply
:iconvictimize-pixie:
Victimize-Pixie Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my, where to begin? The mental images you painted were astounding.

It most definitely would have meant something even if it had happened.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
thank you, so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconvictimize-pixie:
Victimize-Pixie Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
It truly is wonderful. No thanks are needed! :heart:
Reply
:icononeeightybyjune:
oneeightybyjune Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009
let me be a loser and squeal at the font - century gothic? :giggle:

your eyes had some strange fury, like a man
who has glimpsed the face of God and found himself wanting.
you would not look up from the toes of your shoes.


GREAT simile.

sour honey sliding down my throat.
this is not life.
:heart: :heart:

this is, overall, great. it's very well written.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
yep! :giggle: i love that font haha.
thank you, so incredibly much :heart:
secretly, i'm proud of that face of God similie as well. shhh... (:
Reply
:icononeeightybyjune:
oneeightybyjune Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2009
:heart: eeeppp! aghh, me, too! but i love the catholic school girls font wayyy more. xD

you're very welcome!

:heart: it was amazing!!! *hushes*
Reply
:iconnycterent:
nycterent Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009  Professional Writer
Mmm, I know this will sound like a bit of pedantic nit-picking, but I found the font distracting; it made my eyes sad.

That aside, after I copied the piece into Word and took out the formatting, the image/mention of sour honey really grabbed me. I felt a couple bits veered on being cliche (compass, stars, went for the jugular) so I rather longed for more of the sour-honey kind of imagery. More taste, smell, touch, sound...

I know I know, this piece doesn't request critique. (Sorry) :B
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
haha! well, thank you anyway <3 i value your opinion on this piece.
i'll be keeping that in mind for the future.
Reply
:iconmaethorial:
Maethorial Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009
Beautiful, really beautiful. I think you capture emotions really well.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:icondishwasherdaily:
dishwasherdaily Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009
This is incredible. It's like a romantic chronology with glimpses of the past and future woven through the framework.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
oh wow.
i'm stunned (and so, so pleased) that you think so :heart:
thank you.
Reply
:icondishwasherdaily:
dishwasherdaily Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2009
You're welcome. Brilliance like that deserves recognition. =]
Reply
:iconvoidzy:
Voidzy Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009   Interface Designer
You took something so common and made it unique, that says something.

I enjoyed reading this very much.
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
oh wow.
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconaltearithe:
altearithe Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2009  Professional Artisan Crafter
It's mind-blowing how something can change so quickly, and you can't do anything about it....

This captured that precisely and pulled and twisted the heart-strings. :clap:
Reply
:icononeofthose-rachels:
oneofthose-rachels Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2009
thank you, very much :heart:
i'm so pleased that you think so!
Reply
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